I have been addicted to cutting for about four years. The cutting and suicidal attempts and thoughts did not increase till my third and fourth year. I eventually started to end up in the hospital and then in inpatient. when i would cut i would release soo much in those deep cuts. In my second and first year i would overdose on painkillers silently. i would drink myself to sleep and add at times painkillers in my fourth year. i had lost many friends and even aquaintences. most of all someone i loved the most that meant everything to me. i ruined a part of my happiness that was so dear to me at that moment. though i didnt realize how the alchahol and drug use affected how i was thinking and reacting. I then began the process of cutting more and more. it took screaming for my harm to get myself help. i knew i was going to die. i knew i wasnt going to be able to hold on any longer. why didnt i just do away with myself? i was afraid of hell. it sounds stupid but i just couldnt any longer. i was put in my final mental hospital that put me into group therapy. it saved me. it was hard to recover. once, i had closed myself in my bedroom and cut deep enough my bed sheet was soaked in blood. my mom came in and told me to lift my arm. the amount of blood was enough to make my mom cry. that faded spot still resides on my sheets even till now. though i eventually did learn to love myself. my family began to realize what i was going through was real. i wasnt a mistake, i wasnt a failure, i wasnt stupid or a mess up. i was beautiful. i had made mistakes but i learned to put it all behind me. i learned how to handle my situations more effectively no matter how much hurt i went through, there was hope for me. and i came out stronger than ever.
there are soo many people that are too afraid to get help… i understand that fear. that they will think your problems are stupid. or you have no reason to be cutting like this. or you arent severe. you truly are important. what you are going through does matter and it is severe. dont bring yourself down love. right now, you matter. you are everything.
now that i have recovered and have lasted without cutting for 468 days now and still counting, i love reaching out. i care soo much for each and every one of you. some of you may not care for what i say, some of you might be inspired. some of you might just think so much about it. i dont do this for me. i do this for you. all of you mean soo much to me. i wouldnt be reaching out to any of you if i didnt. there are not many people whose hearts do break when they see you suffering by posts and posts. when you feel like giving up or reaching for the blade. i am always here for every one of you. some people give advice but they are cutting themselves and going through problems and still do not know how to help themselves. to me, its unsafe. for one that is struggling to care for another that is struggling. its why i think if you are hurt, it is time to take care of yourself. love yourself and dont worry about any one else. what matters is you right now. you need to get better without the weight of the world on your shoulders. beleive me, i had done the same thing. i was soo worried about everyone else and put myself last. it was one reason why stress and anxiety would eat me alive. never be afraid to scream or speak out. take care of yourself love. i love you you guys. im always here for you.